Ep 9: Whose Values?
Running your business by someone else's values is unsustainable, it leads to burn out and it leaves your true self unseen, unheard and unknown - and the world needs you in it. Your business needs you in it. The humans you work with need you.
Getting clear on your values is one thing - disentangling your true values from those that have been socially and culturally programmed for you to follow is another.
In today's episode I'm talking about how to start that process, why it's important and practical suggestions to support you as you go.
Let's dive in.
Links, mentions & resources
Values basics podcast episode (Ep 2 Dietitian Values Podcast)
James Olivia Chu Hillman @inquisitive_human
Values workshop - Values in business: planning, goals & pricing
Episode Transcript
Laura Jean
Hello and welcome to Episode Nine of the dietitian values Podcast. Today I'm talking values, and I want to talk specifically about getting clear on whose values you are living by. Now, when I work with clients, coach dietician coaching clients. This is one of the first things that come up because often either people are doing like a values exercise for the first time, or they're coming with values that they have, they hold and they feel kind of comfortable in. And what we look at as we go a bit deeper, is whose values are we living by whose actual values are these to really get clear on our own personal internal individual values, and also all the other values that come at us from the external environment, and how that can impact on our perception of our values, which then of course will impact how we act and how we show up. So let's dig in shall we.
So what do I mean by these? basically similarly to a lot of the ways we've been culturally and socially programmed as individuals in different spaces so like in our family of origin in our like wider culture, if you're part of community groups in professional culture. We have sets of values that come forward in those spaces, and we can be picking up on those and kind of like programmed to follow those values without questioning without bringing any awareness or curiosity, and sometimes they can become integrated into our own sense of self and our own values that we show up in. And so one of the processes of getting clear on your values is to really get clear on whose values that you're living by. So, what I kind of call this concept around all those other values coming in is value layering, it's sort of like we're all these values layer upon your own perception and your own kind of sense of self and your own grounding in your values, and it can feel a bit confusing. It's kind of like untangling a bit of a bit of a, I suppose a layer cake if you want to think about it I kind of pull up a layer cake to figure out where you are in the middle. Or, what is truly yours. Need to work on a better analogy, but what I would like to invite you to think about is to first, of course get clear on your values and if you haven't checked out the episode on values basics I'll link that in the show notes. As a first step, about getting clear. Once you feel like you have like a set of values in front of you is to really get clear on whose values they are, and to think about what has shaped, where you are where you've come from, because we're all shaped by our experiences, and, and what brings us to this point, and so I've sort of talked about before, but for the most of us the first experience is our family of origin or the family that we were spent our kind of you know early years in, the space, the environment we spent those years in, and what are the values of the people that influenced us. so maybe it was parents or carers, grandparents, maybe it was other people in that space that influenced how we saw the world, how we interacted with the world and how we interact with ourselves, what behavior was rewarded what behavior was perhaps punished. What kind of way of showing up and being was highlighted as the kind of gold standard. So, if I use an example from my childhood, so I was, I'm a quiet kid. I'm a highly sensitive person so I'm really sensitive to sounds. When I was a little kid I used to go to this lady's for babysitting and one time I pulled down the rack of saucepans, And of course, kids are curious, my kid is in, like my 17 month old is in my cupboards pulling everything out all the time, and I pulled down this wrack of saucepans and the noise must have been like, you know, pretty intense. And for somebody who was really sensitive, I never did it again. And this was really held up and I can still remember it like I'm like nearly 40 And this was would have been when I was about three or four, I can still remember it. The conversations that came up after it and how this was held up as this big thing or she never did that again. Oh she's such a, quote unquote, good girl, she's, she's quiet she you know she doesn't touch things, probably I was scared shitless as a kid because as a highly sensitive kid that was really overwhelming for me so it was like a consequence natural consequence, you know, but it was really held up so it was this implicitly and explicitly I was told
what was valued, and what and how how showing up was end. And so, you know, it's the start of the journey into people pleasing changing your actions so that other people give you that kind of reaction to yourself and all these sorts of things, but that's just an example from my childhood about how when we act how we get this feedback so in your family of origin there would have been messages and information, I mean, maybe your family sat down and and came up with values statements and that sort of thing which amazing, but maybe it was more just coming through in actions and what was rewarded what was seen what was highlighted what was sort of held up as the way to be a human in the world, or for those of you socialized as women to be a woman, quote unquote, good girl, or good boy. So that is something that really comes through, and then we go to school or some sort of space where like, you know, educational, social based institutions. So whether it's school childcare like creches those kind of spaces, and there's another set of values in a way of being and acting and so that starts impacting on how we show up, and then we might join different groups sporting groups, community groups, religious might have religious affiliations or other kinds of spaces, and those values start impacting on us, and we start picking that up, of course, at all this time we're living in the culture so wherever, whatever culture, whether it was, if you're from Australia or the US or the UK that kind of very colonized Western colonized kind of culture with you being raised in another kind of space, it was probably different cultural nuances coming in there and that impacts on values and how we show up. And then we head out to university and we go study to be dietitians or college, some of you, and there's a whole set of values and a whole set of systems, sort of information there that we receive, and so it just starts layering and then you start, you know going into different workplaces and they have their own value sets and it starts layering on top of ourselves and our sense of self, and so our own individual values our own kind of, like, come this can get, like, buried can get buried under all this layering, and so the process again coming back to your own values, is, is an unlearning you know it's digging underneath to find who, what are the values that are really congruent to you and how you show up. And so what I want to spend most of this episode talking about how do you figure that out. Before I jump into that, one thing I will just talk about is what's the impact of living by somebody else's values, well it's pretty much living by somebody else's version of who you should be and how you should be. It's not sustainable. I mean, give it a go. I don't think it is sustainable like I would question whether it's sustainable for people to, to do that for, for your mental, physical and emotional health, to prevent burnout I think showing up in somebody else's values, particularly in the professional and workplace setting which dietitians, having to do day in day out. I think it's a really big piece of the recipe for burnout, I think, when you show up in other people's values you feel like you're not saying like you're not heard, like you are not being you. And do you know what the world needs you, and they need you to show up well. The world is a better place, I should say, let's reword that - the world is a better place when you show up as you because you bring your amazing brilliance uniqueness to the world and you create a space where other people, you know create that kind of that you give that opportunity going first, pardon me, and, and showing up as yourself which creates spaces where more people are able to show up ourselves and that's like my big vision for the world is for us all to show up as ourselves in our full humaneness to create a space where everyone can be humans, but I digress. So, the very real consequences is impacts on your physical, mental and emotional well being. And one of the biggest side effects I see is burnout. I think when we can come back to our values and when we can get really clear on whose values we're living by and start living by our own values. It's uncomfortable. It's, it's hard.
However, the payoff the benefits are immeasurable. It's you living your best life it's you. You know the Mary Oliver quote, what, what do you choose to do with your one precious, and wild life which I probably just butchered. However, um, you know, it gives us the opportunity to actually live into that. So I think there are real consequences for us as individuals when we don't live into our values and I think there's real consequences for us as a culture and even for dietitians as a profession if we're all just following these cookie cutter values that have been passed down from supervisors from our professional organizations from the workplaces, then we aren't bringing the amazing like mix of of people and individuals and ways of showing up to our profession and I think our profession is worse off for it and that's why I do the work I do.
So I think there's a real impact, and I, and I'd encourage you to have a think about it to reflect to journal on it to think about what's been the impact of you showing up in the values that are prescribed from these different spaces from your family of origin from your, from professional and it's no, a really, really, I suppose a little experiment around the sort of a way to really see it and feel it is to if you've been doing any of your own kind of you know, healing work or like on your journey to kind of, you know, remove some of the social programming, and then you return back to your family of origin, where there's some pretty strong, different values or different ways of showing up, encouraged or shows, or saying, You know what I mean that feeling of having to show up as a different version of yourself, or feeling really uncomfortable or feeling like it's not a sort of welcoming, or safe space for you. Or it's a space where you have to be a version of somebody else and so that's like a little microcosm example of what happens when we have, you know, have to show up in other people's values over and over again, or if you've been in a workplace, particularly if you're a non dietitian, and you have to show up in a workplace, or work with people or colleagues or interact with other professionals who have not. Shall I say seen the light, or read the research around this approach, who's continued to dehumanize other humans in their work, and to show up in that space and to show up as yourself is hard, but it's even harder to show up as another version to show up under those values of continuing the perpetuation of dehumanizing other people.
Okay, let's step off my soapbox, I think there's real consequences like I said, consequences are neither positive or negative, you know neither good nor bad as the amazing, of course I'm going to bring them up, inquisitive human a James Olivia Chu Hilman talks to that consequences are so your actions lead to consequences actions of following other people's values has consequences for you and for our culture and for society and for our profession, particularly as well. So some things to think about, to, how can we tell, okay, how can we tell when we are living in other people's values are showing up in other people's values, or what's a way we can just kind of keep a check on this or just kind of create a process of just reflecting and being curious, around what's going on. One of the first ways to kind of test this or to kind of notice is around the language that you use. So what kinds of words or statements do you have, around, around how you show up and how about the things that you prioritize, if you're noticing things like shoulds shouldn't have, have to have, you know, those kind of can, carts those real kind of binary kind of spaces of yep this is the thing, and they're really like external to you so like I should do it. Not like I wanted or I need to but I should do it. I have to do it. They're really like It's like this thing being imposed upon you if that's the kind of language, then that could be an indicator of you showing up in somebody else's values. So to give you like a little example. So one of the values that I feel like is part of our profession as dietitians is prioritizing like health and well being, I feel like that's a professional value you know because obviously that's part of what we do. When I used to do values exercises, a few iterations of myself ago. one of the things I would, would kind of do is I'd be looking at that, well being and health thing I think I should that should be one of my values because I'm a dietician like that's my job, I'm a health professional, I work with people around the health like that should be one of my values. And sometimes I would pick it and sometimes I wouldn't. But the thing that I've learned as I've removed that and I've looked at it is, it's not one of my personal individual values do I think health and well being. Well, it's my, let's not get into that, because what. Let's now, let's not get me on a tangent, around what that meant and what what my interpretation of that is. what I believe is that each individual person deserves should have access to being able to exist in their body as they want to. And that's a bit different from the concept of health and well being for me personally has been a value and so for a long time I wrestled with that and I would be like I should, You know I could notice that language and over time I just let it go and I just actually listened to myself and so that was a bit of an easy one, like a simple more simple example to get let go of but that's just an example of how that language can can show up when you're thinking about your values, but also when you're thinking about your action so when you're acting into a value or taking actions that move you towards your values, or the values that you have is the language you're using around that like I should do this I have to do this. And so that can be one to look at. Now sometimes the language isn't very clear because if you've been being really well programmed you might be using the language like a really embodiment of it I need to do this. And so there's two kind of suggestions and I was working with this with a client recently where they were like well I don't know, should I actually feel like the words I'm saying is I need to do this and a couple of questions or an opportunity to dig a little bit deeper that I offered was one is what about flipping the language to I want to do this. Now, that's one way we can look at it because, do I want to do this that can give us a bit of an indicator, not everything that we do actually really need to do in our lives we want to do. So adulting over here. So that is not always the most accurate but that's one way so firstly that replace want, and think about like do I want to do this and that can be a first sort of way to change it. Another thing could be, is, is to just get a little bit curious, what would happen if you didn't. So what would happen if, like, what's the impact or what's the consequence of of that so I used about health and well being one and so I had the should so that was easier but if I didn't have that if I thought I need to have health and well being, as a value because I'm a dietitian, then I could give myself the opportunity to think about, well, if I didn't, what, what's the outcome like, what do I feel like the consequences and what it was was I felt like people would judge me because I'm a dietician, but I don't value health and wellness like that doesn't, doesn't make sense and then I realized that's all outside of myself so that was another sort of indicator to me that it wasn't actually my value. So, what would happen if, if you didn't choose that or if you didn't do that thing that you've that you're saying you need to so that can be a way to dig into it so how, like what would happen, what's the impact and what's the impact on you and the people in the spaces that you value.
So,the impact on your family on your work on on the spaces that you value by, by not doing that, so that can be a way you can adjust a little bit if you don't notice the shoulds and the shouldn'ts, because it's it's so ingrained that the language you are using is I need to is to think about what do you want to. And what's the consequence, negative or positive, it's, it's neither right it just is, what are the consequences, what's the outcome, what's the, what's the, you know flow on effect if you, if you do and Don't do that thing. Who benefits, and who gets off the hook are another great couple of great from Kelly Deils around like who benefits when we do or don't do this thing, and also who gets off the hook, when we do or don't do this thing and they're great some great questions to add in there to kind of just tease out a bit more to get more curious around just whose values that you might be following or moving towards, and to really check if they're yours.
The other space that that we can check is in our body. And as nondiet dietitian, if that's you listening, you probably do this with your client, you probably encourage your clients to check in with their body, not just around their hunger and satisfaction but around their choices around things like, you know, making choices to move towards or away from dieting or making the choice to move towards or away from you know from having changing body changing changing their body as a goal. And I imagine you encourage them to think about how does that feel in your body and so that's what i encouraged to you. to think about your body. and to give another example is working with a coaching client dietitian coaching client, a little while ago, current client we were talk about this conversation a little while ago around, there was an opportunity that came up to be part of this. This publication, it was, it was unpaid, which red flag straightaway for me personally, but sometimes I'm paid opportunities can give can actually really do give opportunities but not always. And so there was this was like well she knew these people she'd already done the thing it didn't actually take her any time like it was really easy to do for her like it was simple and easy for her because its in her zone of genius, but it was unpaid and also there was these other things going on in this organization that just doesn't sit right. And in that case, that very action was the values that other people's values that were wanting to come in, there was, well, you've already done this thing it's been easy for you, like, why not, why not give it to them there, but they've asked for this and it's a good opportunity, you know, and it was this whole like hard to say no, wanting to please people didn't want to kind of like make people uncomfortable or upset and also that whole idea that if something is, you know, easy and something's there and it's accessible that it should just be given that you know that our resources are here to be extracted. To paraphrase, that wasn't the language used, but that's the kind of vibe. Overall, and it really didn't sit right, and so it was basically like the questions we looked at was, Does this organization. Have your values and how does that feel in your body like it was like she wanted to say yes because she'd already done this article, and because she thought there could be benefits in establishing relationship, and it felt uncomfortable to say no, but her body was giving her a really clear message, it just didn't feel right. And you might have noticed similar things around in your business like when you work in in the in the business space around marketing techniques around selling a lot of dieticians talk about some of the ideas about like, it just feels icky and that icky is a feeling to get curious about, it's not always means that when we feel a certain way in our body that it means, oh this is wrong, this is bad, it's just information from our nervous system so it's just an opportunity to get curious, so the place we can look to think about to kind of check if we're living into our own values is in our body. How does it feel, what kind of information is our body giving us what kind of feedback because I mean look, moving into our values will feel uncomfortable too because we're moving away from some of those sort of programmed values from our culture from our family of origin from our profession, and that does not feel comfortable in our body, but it's a different, different kind of messaging. So it's around getting clear on what the information your body shares with you and how to actually listen to that. just like you would encourage your clients to do so, that is another space where we can find information around whose values were living in.
the third places in our actions as recovering a recovered but probably always recovering perfectionist procrastinator. There was a lot of information that I found as I unpacked that and dug into that deeper around my actions around what I would take action on, and what I wouldn't. And sometimes, procrastination and that that was a tool. I was procrastinating on things like if I reflect back and give you this opportunity, sometimes we can procrastinate on things, because we know they're not things moving us in the direction we want to go but we think we should do them, whether we're using that language or not. So have a think about your actions, what are things that you feel resistant to what are things that are easy now sometimes it can be like we, it's hard to prioritize things that aren't truly important. even though we think they should be important even if there's this programming of other people's values that tell us something we should do something that should be important to us. So look to your actions, are there things or spaces areas of your life where you procrastinate a lot now procrastination can be lots of things of course but it can be a little bit of a cue to let you know like, maybe you're not taking, or maybe it's not even procrastination. Maybe you feel like stuck maybe feel resistant, and maybe it's not a mindset issue or a limiting belief, maybe it's actually that it doesn't align with your values, maybe it's moving you in a direction that has been set for you by somebody else that isn't actually where you want to be going. And so I'd really encourage you to think about actions what actions you. You find easy what actions and not, I shouldn't say easy, maybe, easy, easy simple like, I think the words not easy sorry it's ease so what provides you a sense of ease in yourself and that's probably going back to that body stuff that that actions. Yeah, you find ease in so, and what actions do you resist even though you think you quote unquote should or that they should quote unquote should be easy, they're eae sometimes isn't loving actions or or activities that are really simple, or are really easy, that you are resisting. Why? so it's an opportunity to get curious. So actions, tell us a lot, because actions can indicate that we're not prioritizing something if we're not taking action, and that's not a shame, guilt based things that's an opportunity to think, Well, why not, Is this truly something that's important to me. Does it move me, does it move you towards your values, towards the life you want to be living. And maybe it doesn't maybe it's because it moves you towards somebody else's values and they're not important for you so it's not because you're a lazy procrastinator it's actually you. You're clever brain and your clever body, putting up things in place that you just haven't connected yet and ways of being in acting that just are not congruent with who you are and who you want to be.
So, that is the third place so three places or spaces or ways that you can check in to see just whose values you're living by is one around words and language so looking out for those key kind of red flag words like should shouldn't have have to, or flipping it like what's the outcome who benefits who gets off the hook. What is you know what's the worst that can happen if I do or don't do these things so some, some just some, like changing the script around the language in your body so the felt sense, and I'm not saying that living into your values feels comfortable and like zen like in your body, far from it generally but your body will speak to you in different ways in, and it's connecting to how your body communicates and connecting to what. Feel how things feel in your body around things that are aligned and unaligned for you around your values. And then the third place is in your actions are you doing things or are you not doing things and if not, why, and if you do do things, and they don't, and then you get that feedback from your body, or you do do these things and it's not moving you towards where you want to go, why or why not. So, an opportunity to reflect back on just whose values are driving those actions, or just whose values are trying to drive your actions that you're resisting and why that might be. So I hope that's helpful and practical and useful and usable. So this is just an opportunity to really think about to just go a step further on values and if you would like to look at more of this. I'm actually holding a workshop on July the 19th to look at values how to get clear on your values, whose values you're living by using values, and use it, particularly using values as a tool for business and life. And so if you'd like to check that out, head over to my website dietitian values.com, and there is a sign up space there to sign up for the workshop, or go via Instagram @dietitianvalues and my little Link in bio has the workshop sign up so you can check that out on the 19th of July 2021 If you're catching the replay of this. The workshop will be available to check out as well so
have a look at that sign up if you're interested, and if you've got questions or you want to continue the conversation, pop over @dietitianvalues on Instagram and comment under the podcast episode post for this episode if you've got thoughts. Let me know what resonated for you let me know maybe if things hit the mark or let me know if you, if you want a little bit more info, and let me know any questions, all the questions that you have from listening to this episode. If it resonated and you think, hey, there's some dietitians or humans in my life that need to hear this, then please feel free to share. I look forward to chatting to you again on the next episode of The Dietitian Values podcast. Bye for now.
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